A Most Scandalous Offer
by Chamelaucium
Summary: Part 8 and final instalment in the "Quite, Quite Scandalous" series. In which things come to a head between our unwittingly erotic hobbit and sexually frustrated dwarf king.


**A Most Scandalous Offer**

_Part **VIII **of Quite, Quite Scandalous  
_

Bilbo Baggins was sent by Mahal after all. Because he'd _saved_ Thorin! He'd stood over his prone body (and it was only afterwards that Thorin appreciated how...kinky that sounded).

And Thorin saw that the halfling - _Bilbo_ - was indeed sent by the Maker, and as such Thorin couldn't possibly entertain any more lustful thoughts about him, no matter how fine he looked backlit by the sun.

However, his new-found chastity didn't last long.

Not long at _all_.

Because Bilbo was at it again, and this time - this time it was more than before. This was... this was taking things to a new level.

Previously, Thorin put Bilbo's...lewdness down to boredom, perhaps, and that he just wanted a bit of fun (not that it worked on Thorin, and he was (not very at all, of course) pleased to note that no one else had taken the hobbit up on his hinted offer.) But that was all it was - hints, if a little (_lot_) improper.

But this...

This made Thorin's mouth go dry. This made his pulse race, his breath come quick and if he'd been the sort to faint, Thorin thought that he might do round about now. He _wasn't_ the sort to faint and he still thought he might.

Bilbo had grown _bold_.

He... he... Thorin could hardly form the words. It was too scandalous to even think! He kept his eyes averted as best he could as Gandalf tried to ascertain if they could descend, Thorin desperate not to do anything he'd regret. He saw Fíli and Kíli tittering and he gave them a stern look; Dís would kill him if he allowed her boys to be exposed to such _scandal_.

And the hobbit seemed completely oblivious to it! He simply kept smiling at Thorin, looking completely unabashed as if he wasn't so openly scandalous! Thorin had to gulp a few times, then lick his lips nervously before he approached Bilbo. He was honour-bound to clear this up, and _not_ by taking advantage. He had to be noble here, and guide the hobbit away from these salacious acts.

Bilbo smiled as he approached, making Thorin's mouth go dry again and he cleared his throat.

"Ah, Master Baggins, could we, ah, talk?" Thorin asked, trying to sound nonchalant as he desperately kept his eyes on Bilbo's face and not... anywhere else.

"Of course, Thorin," Bilbo said, sounding genuinely pleased.

"Ah - this isn't - this isn't about - you know - what you're - offering -" Thorin said quickly, tongue fumbling for words. After all it was best to make that clear, before Bilbo got his hopes up.

"I'm sorry?" Bilbo asked.

Thorin fiddled with his coat sleeve.

"It's not that I'm not - that I'm not _honoured_, Master Baggins, I assure you, but I'm not certain it's entirely appropriate-"

"Thorin, what are you talking about?" Bilbo frowned slightly, his lips pouting slightly and Thorin had to concentrate on not leaning forward and capturing them with his own.

"There are _children_!" He said desperately, his fiddling causing a thread to unravel. "Well, the boys may as well be. I think such corrupting behaviour is really best left for another time..."

Bilbo was just looking at him blankly and Thorin trailed off, uncertain. Then he took a deep breath, determined not to be lured in by the cuteness of that look on Bilbo's round face. He certainly knew his assets and how to make the most of them.

"Well, I needed to speak to you, Master Baggins, because I really can't allow this anymore. I'm surprised the others have resisted so long but now I must insist,' Thorin said, standing taller as he regained his kingly majesty, 'Bilbo Baggins, do your coat up!'

He glanced at the offending article, hanging open and revealing Bilbo's shirt front. He could hardly look, for fear that such lewd invitation would overtake him in a moment of weakness and he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

Bilbo too glanced at his jacket, then returned his gaze to Thorin. "I can't," he said simply. "The buttons fell off in the tunnels."

Thorin cringed and covered his face with his hand before meeting Bilbo's gaze, determined not to let his charms work on him. "Then I must insist you take your jacket off."

"No indeed!" Bilbo looked affronted. "That's _completely_ inappropriate, and it's far too cold anyway." He raised his chin defiantly.

There was silence for just a moment before Thorin had an idea. "There's only one way, then, Master Baggins. You shall have to wear my coat until yours can be fixed-"

As he spoke he pulled off his fur garment and was just about to place it on the hobbit's shoulders when Bilbo squeaked and ducked out of the way, spluttering.

"I cannot!" he protested. "That would be _highly_ indecent!"

"No more so than you wearing your jacket open!" Thorin countered, desperately ignoring the way Bilbo's jacket was catching in the wind, flapping open and rippling in some sort of tempting, flirtatious dance meant for Thorin. He swallowed thickly.

"I will _not_ wear your coat, Master Oakenshield," Bilbo said, his face a bright pink. "It would not be _seemly_!"

"Halfling, you do know that by leaving your jacket open you are offering, in _the_ crudest manner possible... companionship!" Thorin struggled to get out, "Of an _intimate_ nature!"

Bilbo had frozen and in the sudden stillness Thorin took a deep breath, stubbornly refusing to give in to the images in his mind of him catching that body in his arms again and finally, finally learning his taste-

"By leaving your coat so blatantly open, halfling, you are _asking_ someone to - to - to _ravish_ you!"

Thorin had expected Bilbo to meekly apologise and accept the coat. He had expected embarrassment at being so openly found out, his salacious nature frowned upon. He had expected even disbelief (although Thorin could hardly believe that Bilbo _couldn't_ know how seductive his behaviour had been).

He did _not_ expect what then happened.

Bilbo straightened and he met Thorin's gaze, setting his jaw obstinately. They stared at each other for perhaps a heartbeat, before Thorin really did nearly faint.

"Then why don't you?"

Thorin choked.


End file.
